Lord of the Crack
by rinskuro13
Summary: The boys' return journey from the island back home. Do they ever get there? Story gets more crack further on, so keep reading.


Author's Note: Lord of the Flies by William Golding doesn't belong to me. This is simply a crack parody of it when they are going home on the ship so enjoy.

A ship sailed by, following the helicopters in front of it. The island was in flames as the boys wept, and the naval officer with the designer white boots could only take pity on their terrible fashion sense as they walked aboard with their heads hung low. The ship was surprisingly small and couldn't seat everyone on; the littluns had to stand because they were scared the biguns would cut off their heads and stick them on stakes.

Ralph sat down and wiped his tears, looking out of the window. Jack and Roger sat opposite him – Jack was trying to pretend he hadn't cried and that he was still manly, and he didn't notice Roger trying to lick his face. Maurice walked over to join them with a smile on his face, but opened his mouth like an offended girl.

"What?" Asked Jack.

"There's no space for me!" Replied Maurice.

"There's an empty seat right there next to Ralph are you blind or what?"

Maurice looked at Ralph and walked over to the empty seat next to him. Then he changed his mind and walked back and sat on top of Roger.

"Can you not?" Asked Roger.

"Well I don't-" Maurice felt Roger's hidden knife in his butt and jumped up into the empty seat.

The naval officer opened the door. A million littluns squeaked as they were compressed into the space behind it. You could easily hear the sound of their ribs breaking. As he closed it again, they relaxed and vomited onto each other in unison.

"I'm glad to be going back home," sighed Ralph. Jack used the window as a mirror. His new war paint actually looked smexy and it was a good style; he would never put on clothes again once he got back home. Roger stroked his face and Jack bitch-slapped him. Roger was sad and became emo again.

"Roger, why did you kill Piggy?" Asked Ralph, with a sigh. "You could be arrested and charged with murder."

"I didn't," said Roger.

"You did," said Ralph.

"Piggy's alive. He's right there."

Roger pointed towards the space next to Ralph. Ralph looked over and jumped. OMG MAURICE WAS PIGGY THE WHOLE TIME. Suddenly, Ralph felt sick. Maybe it was just the sea.

"I can't go on ships. It's too claustrophobic. There's too many people on here at once and the littluns fart too much. I need fish and chips. My auntie says I can't eat anything other than fish and chips on account of my athsm-"

"SUXX BALLZ 2 URR FUKKIN ASS SHIT." Ralph was mad. "What did you do with Maurice?"

"I asked to transfer souls with him Ralph. I wanted to sit next to you Ralph. We can all go home."

A row of ten littluns barfed at the same time all onto Piggy. Ralph facepalmed.

"When we get back to school, I'm still in charge," said Jack. "Ralph may have the cute and hot and…smexy and superiorly better looks than me, but I have the qualities of a true leader. Plus I can sing in C sharp."

Roger started to cry. Jack looked at him weirdly.

"That was…butyful…so…butyful." He sobbed and snot dripped onto his shirt.

Piggy suddenly jumped onto the table and took off all his clothes. Ralph was horrified, but continued to look anyway. He wanted to barf out all the pig meat he'd been eating.

"R-Ralph, will you marry me?" sang Piggy. Everyone was shocked and Ralph nearly died. Suddenly the table Piggy was standing on broke because he was too fat and he fell through the bottom of the boat as well. The ship slowly started to sink and everyone was screaming.

Roger suddenly stood up;

"Jack," he asked, "before we die will you agree to have a platonic high-moral relationship with me?" He took out an intestine and tied it in a circle, then knelt down and offered it as a wedding ring. Jack was confused and wondered what song he had heard that phrase from. Then he took the ring, and Roger dribbled and fainted from Joger fantasies overloading in his head.

Jack then proceeded to kneel down on one knee and say to Ralph;

"My dearest darling I can't say how much you mean to me in words and I give you this ring will you marry me? We will have five thousand kids and name them all Jalph."

Ralph bitch-slapped Jack and said I do. Then they smashed the window and escaped off the ship and swam back to the island to commemorate their childhood before making out and growing old together and dying. The end.


End file.
